Gray is the color of truth

Song of the Day III

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 00:51:42 GMT

Angel
Sarah Mclachlan

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

The Power Nap

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 21:32:30 GMT

I rarely sleep 8 hours or more a day. Which is why I was so surprised I got to sleep up to 11 hours, without anything on my stomach. It was the weirdest feeling in the world, because now I'm really hungry, yet I feel really good, and the first time I've woken up with such energy. Maybe I should start sleeping 10 hours a day? Thats probably hard to do, because I'm so used to sleeping late and waking up early.

Anyway, I'm going to rockwell later for a reunion EB with my guildmates in RO. It should be fun, though we didn't talk much since our seperation (or maybe, I distanced myself from them too much to kno whats going on). It's okay though, whats so good about our guild is that we can talk about anything besides RO.

It's official, I lost interest in RF as a whole. I haven't played for 7 days, which made me so happy (and yet, so sad, because I'm usually bored). What to do now? Concentrate on other games, I guess. Hahaha!

Song of the Day II

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 06:28:13 GMT

Landslide
Smashing Pumpkins

I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
’til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing cause i’ve
Built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older, too

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing cause i’ve
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older, too
I get older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down

Song of the Day

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 01:54:59 GMT

A Little Respect
Wheatus

I try to discover
A little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart

I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
Why you're making me work so hard

That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no

Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me

And if I should falter
Would you open your arms out to me
We can make love not war
And live at peace with our hearts

I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
What religion or reason
Could drive a man to forsake his lover

Don't you tell me no
Don't you tell me no
Don't you tell me no
Don't you tell me no

Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me

I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
Why you're making me work so hard

That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no

Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me
Soul, I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me

The Skeptical Philosopher

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 16:33:52 GMT

Philosophy taught us never to be skeptical. Everything is a possible, even the most bizarre of events. A good philosopher always know how to ask why things happen, going with his logic, as well as speculating on the possibilities. That is what the philosopher does best: to ponder on things that might or might not be. As the time grows and the human understanding expands, thinkers usually incline more to whats real, what is logical, and what is 'true'. Did this so called 'modernity' turned the philosophers, or just the plain thinker, to skeptics? Do the thinks that the children would often fantasize about, just remain as fantasies? Did logic and reasoning became so hyped that people forgot to speculate?

Pondering these things, made me realize, how hard it is for humans to explore the things unexplored. Skeptics who stick to reason, will always disagree on the theories and speculation of the true philosophers might think of next. Discovery would be harder, now that more and more skeptics would get in the way. What is the future of mankind if discovery would stop? Imagine pre-history with skepticsm. Would anybody discover the wheel and fire?

This skeptical philosopher, though he thinks he is the truth because he stuck to reason, is why the thought of mankind is deteriorating. As life gets more and more complex, and thinking of the would-be's will be the least of the problems, what is left for philosophy and speculation? We might as well go back to our caves.

Anyway,

Johari anyone?

Arena

(known to self and others)

Blind Spot

(known only to others)

cheerful, clever, energetic, friendly, knowledgable, proud

Façade

(known only to self)

complex, introverted, logical, searching, self-conscious, sentimental

Unknown

(known to nobody)

able, accepting, adaptable, bold, brave, calm, caring, confident, dependable, dignified, extroverted, giving, happy, helpful, idealistic, independent, ingenious, intelligent, kind, loving, mature, modest, nervous, observant, organised, patient, powerful, quiet, reflective, relaxed, religious, responsive, self-assertive, sensible, shy, silly, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty

Dominant Traits

100% of people think that George Esguerra is cheerful
100% of people think that George Esguerra is clever
100% of people think that George Esguerra is energetic
100% of people think that George Esguerra is friendly
100% of people think that George Esguerra is knowledgable
100% of people think that George Esguerra is proud

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (0%) adaptable (0%) bold (0%) brave (0%) calm (0%) caring (0%) cheerful (100%) clever (100%) complex (0%) confident (0%) dependable (0%) dignified (0%) energetic (100%) extroverted (0%) friendly (100%) giving (0%) happy (0%) helpful (0%) idealistic (0%) independent (0%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (0%) introverted (0%) kind (0%) knowledgable (100%) logical (0%) loving (0%) mature (0%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (0%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (100%) quiet (0%) reflective (0%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (0%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (0%) sensible (0%) sentimental (0%) shy (0%) silly (0%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (0%) warm (0%) wise (0%) witty (0%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 12.2.2006, using data from 1 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view George Esguerra's full data.

Too much Random.

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 05:21:44 GMT

Staring at the afternoon sun, wondering the things of might and might not been. Yet in this entire entrouge of thoughts come a black entity from the sky. Rain! Tiny droplets started falling, as soon as the jet-black clouds met. These droplets became bigger, bigger, heavier, as it pour down to the earth. Through the process of the storm, sought for shelter and protection. Chills crawled slowly in the skin, as winds whisper warnings and grief. What must they do to stop this madness? Maybe to hope, to pray, to see, what is ahead. Rainbows? Sunshines? Probably.

But the most certain, it would be not rain.

Here at the end of all things.

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 16:15:16 GMT

You have fallen.
And I cannot reach you.
Ever step I willed you on,
Every moment I lead you to this.
You never left my mind,
Not once, not ever.
--The End of All Things from LOTR:ROTK

I watched too much LOTR:ROTK this week, and that quote from Frodo probably stuck to my head: "I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee...Here at the end of all things.".

Poetry! Poetry!

In Hope and Peril

Everything must come to and end,
As our lives may, or may not be.
Destroying the things that may matter,
Believing, the things we may not see.
For in this hope we reach for glory,
Like a rampaged warrior hungry for blood.
Running, hoping, and pushing aside,
Ah, Glory is found at end of this light.

In hope, there is peril that comes.
And peril may include ones demise.
The warrior, ever so hungry and weak,
Die in vain, sleep in grief.
Little did the warrior know the truth?
Of how his hunger was abused,
And to this day, this warrior rest,
Unknown, Hungry, and left to die.

Much have been changed since then

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 21:38:50 GMT

Not really. Nothing has changed actually. I'm still the same old lazy boy who doesn't want responsibility and doesn't want to do anything about his problems. :)

Life is like that I guess. And much have been changed since then. Unless you call my stolen new Live Journal layout a change. Hahaha. I still don't know how or what to edit in the layout. Sigh, woe is me.

Ah, poetry! Poetry!

Funeral Feast

Candles lit and sadness looms,
The dead in the casket lie.
Of mourners and relatives,
All gather up and make feast,
Upon the dead they must serve.

Happiness is their motive,
For such action they all do.
They must feast upon the dead,
And sadness must not be there,
For the dead might hunt them so.

This feast of the dead they call,
Is the wake of the deceased?
Because mourning is all there is,
But happiness is all there,
The feast is the funeral

Half Asleep, Half Awake

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 22:24:24 GMT

What am I doing?
Where shall I go?
In this life without living
Must it end with sorrow?

Who am I becoming?
Why am I here?
Oh so cluelessly wonder
Is this what I fear?

Too many questions
Answers are a few
In dreams they may be answered
But must be lies they brew

I wonder now where
To whom, to what, and how.
Is this life worth living?
Shall I start living now?

Maybe rest is what I need
Just sit, relax, enjoy
And maybe life would be clearer
For me to embrace it like a toy.

My Pathetic Excuse for a Poem #2

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 09:25:33 GMT

The work that I,
Must be done so well
But for I did not start
Enough, I fail again

To procrastinate is to feel
Rush of blood through
Your veins as the heart
Beats faster, faster, harder.

Ah so the adrenaline starts
And then my work I do
To remember to breathe, I must
To live life, maybe just too fast?

Retaking, Resolving, Moving on

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 02:50:32 GMT

Retaking, another chance
Another stab of life
Resolving, the conflicts
To ease the suffering
Moving on, in life
Yet never looking back
Ah the path is long
Is the patience that I lack?
Happy I am, to live
As living, thus to give
Yet, my melancholy
would still be the self
another theory would be
Life, is just retaking

//Truth

Lab class is boring.

What we want must always be what we get

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 12:57:53 GMT

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours. But to win it requires total dedication and a total break with the world of your past, with the doctrine that man is sacrificial animal who exists for the pleasure of others. Fight for the value of your person. Fight for the virtue of your pride. Fight for the essence, which is man, for his sovereign rational mind. Fight with the radiant certainty and the absolute rectitude of knowing that yours is the morality of life and yours is the battle for any achievement, any value, any grandeur, any goodness, any joy that has ever existed on this earth."

--Ayn Rand, Quoted from the her character John Galt. Atlas Shrugged

The life we wanted is always there. It is up to us to achieve it, to reach for it, to work for it. What we want, for most of the time, we cannot get, for this life is not that fair and our selfishness often lead us to our frustration. But as Ayn Rand had said in her quote, never stop fighting for what you want, never stop reaching for what you want to reach, never stop achieving what you want to achieve. In this world full of desires, it is only up to us - the people - who can reach it, and dreams would come true.

Of course we cannot be so sure about what we want, because change is constant and more often than not, we change desires. That is why we always check the natures of our battles, our roads to be ahead, because if what we think we want is not really what we want, then we have problems that could not be remedied so easily. By knowing what lies ahead, we know what to expect, and we know how not to get disappointed. We keep on fighting, and on the road ahead, losing would be a common feat, but losing is also a part of moving forward.

To achieve what we want, most of the time we fight only equipped in what we believe in. Fight for that, for it is the weapon that will take us to the world we always wanted. Our beliefs are the only beliefes that we know is right, for it is what we are fighting for. Our morality is the only morality acceptable, and we fight for it. We, as people, must always fight for what we believe in, for what we know is right, and for what we know is the only way. In that way, we would eventually get to where we always wanted to be.

Ayn Rand has taught us, that ourselves is what we all need to get what we want. And with ourselves, we will arrive to where we want to be.

A rather light semester

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 01:38:48 GMT

Ah, at last, I got the schedule that I actually can breathe with. Well it's not much, and it's not that pretty either, but at least the load is light. I only got three major subjects this semester, one-less compared to last semester. Ah, last semester! To think that I survived it by a lot of late night reading down the stretch. I honestly don't want to do that again, because it was the spark of my month-long depression.

But then again, I did flunk two subjects, two majors, and now I'm in a tough spot to be on time. I would have to spend my summertime here in Los Banos again, and God knows I don't want that. On a light note, I will try my best to get out of here. I would need to pass all of my 18 units this semester complete my INC from last year and remove my 4.0 in Stat1. I know its a long shot to have a 2.5 average, but I can do it, I believe it.

Confidence. Maybe it's what I'm lacking and could have made a lot of difference to a somewhat hellish first semester. To atone for my failures, I'm trying to be more confident on my self and believe that I can do anything. Which I do, I can do anything I wanted. It's just that, I never really wanted anything the past few years. But now I'm new, and I have the drive to succeed.

Of course, I have to get past the late night sleeping first. Man I slept more than half of my day yesterday, and now I'm still in Los Banos.

//Truth

Retro Gaming

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 03:19:06 GMT

I've been looking for old classic PC games since the past night. I don't know, its the nostalgic feel of the games that made me want to play them again. Of course, since I'm windows fucking XP, I can't run most of them. But who cares? Ah the nostalgia.

List of Nostalgic Classic PC Games
1. Commander Keen o_o
2. Liesure Suit Larry -- I finished 1-7 MUWAHAHHA. and I never knew what a condom is for
3. King's Quest -- Specially those weird kissing scenes at the end of the game
4. Police Quest -- Sonny Bond was kind of my hero when I was young. Who was he? Hahaha.
5. Wolfenstein 3D -- I remember those days when I used to play on my mother's office in UP. Best times of my life. Die Nazi dieeeeeeee.
6. Doom -- Well, I'm never the fan of dark (unlighted) games, so I cheated my way to Doom. Hahahahha!! IDDQD rocks.
7. Day of the Tentacle -- I've obsessed about these tentacles for about a year, and I remember my very first internet handle (nickname) to be one of them. But then hentai images came along. Tentacles are never the same T__T

That's all I can remember now. Hahahaa XD

//Truth

Never say Never

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 20:09:43 GMT

I believe this now. It was my fault I screwed up last semester and almost lost my tuition fee exception. I barely survived, and that was because I gave up on myself on the final stretches of the semester. I never believed that I could pass the subjects that needed extreme attention. I focused all my energies on the subjects that were important, neglecting all of the others that would not have a large bearing on the length of my college years. I ended up flunking a prerequisite subject and a major subject, almost going probational and almost losing my tuition fee privelages.

Maybe I should believe more in myself. Wait a minute. I should believe in myself. I must remove all of my pessimistic opinions and criticisms on myself so I can move on.

Stop sulking. Start living.

Never say never.

//Truth

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 08:39:03 GMT

I'm screwed

I'm screwed

I'm screwed

But hey, whats new anyway?

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 00:04:28 GMT

I'm stupid

I'm stupid

I'm stupid

Middle Child Syndrome

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 15:48:06 GMT

The middle or second born child or children often have the sense of not belonging. They fight to receive attention from parents and others because they feel many times they are being ignored or dubbed off as being the same as another sibling. Being in the middle a child can feel insecure. The middle child often lacks drive and looks for direction from the first born child. Sometimes a middle child feels out of place because they are not over achievers and like to go with the flow of things.

Being a middle child would mean they are loners. They really don’t like to latch on to a person in a relationship, there fore they have trouble keeping one due to lack of interest. Not liking to take the limelight for anything, they are not over achievers and just simply work enough work to get by, and typically that goes with school as well as a career. They are however ~~very artistic and creative~~. If forced to use abilities they will ~~work well~~, but do not work well under pressure. They often start several projects but rarely keep focused long enough to finish a project. The best career move for a middle child would be along the lines of using their creative. Going into a ~~writing or journalism career~~, and into a career that they could freely express themselves would be good. Anything that would have hours that are flexible, and projects that frequently changed would be good for a middle born child. Since relationships are not of high importance to a middle child, often times they are alone. However, the best possible match for a middle child would be a last born.

from This site

I was amazed about this syndrome. I have this syndrome.

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 01:44:28 GMT

Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooomed.

Hungry

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 15:16:03 GMT

I haven't eaten anything.

>.

Burnout

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 03:54:30 GMT

Ah, exams. Five of which I took. Three of which I knew already I passed. One subject down, six more to go.

Finals week is still ahead. May God have mercy on my soul

//Truth

The Etymology of Dong and My So-Called Life

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 16:14:24 GMT

"Dong dong dong dong! Sino ang kalaban ni Dong? Edi si Ramon Bandong! Hahahahaha!"

Putangina. Naalala ko nanaman ang nakaraan, na puro ganyang klaseng mga pang-asar sa akin ang sumasalubong sa akin araw araw. May mahigit isang taon akong nag dusa sa ganyang mga pang-inis. Ngitian ko sila, na parang wala lang sakin. Ang hindi nila alam, sa bawat isang araw ng ganyang mga insulto, unti-unting nasisira ang imahe ko ng sarili ko sa utak ko. Unti-unti kong kinakahon sarili ko sa grupo ng mga tao na mahilig pagtripan ng mga tao.

Saan nga ba nanggaling ang Dong? Sa totoo lang, ewan ko. Bata palang ako, ganyan na ang tawag sa akin. Siguro dahil malaki ako noon (hanggang ngayon), na ibig sabihin ay mataba ako. "Doooooooooong". Bagay di ba? Parang pangalan ng isang malaking tao.

Aliw na aliw sila. Akala nila nakakatuwa sila eh. Kahit sabihan mo na tigilan na, ganun parin. Yung mga nanonood naman, parang wala lang. Yung iba, makikitawa. Ha-ha-ha. Dong dong dong pakitong kitong.

Naalala ko nanaman ang mga panahon na yun. Siguro yun ang mitsa ng aking pagdurusa sa pansariling identidad (personal identity). Sino nga ba ako? Ang madalas kong sagot sa aking sarili, ako yung gagong laging pinagtritripan nung Hayskul. Puwede mo sigurong matanong sa akin, ginusto ko ba yun? Ano bang ginawa ko para matigil ang ganun? Alam mo ang sagot ko, kulang nalang ay patayin ko sila para lang tumigil sila. Hindi sila madaan sa "Putangina pare itigil mo na nga yan", o yung mga biglang sapak sa dingding, o yung mga sandaling malapit na ako umiyak (pero hindi naman kasi nakakahiya).

Ewan ko ba, gusto lang talaga nila ako pag tripan. Dahil dun, tuluyan na naglaho ang bilib ko sa sarili ko. Natakot na ako sa mga ganung klaseng tao. Natakot na ako sa malalaking grupo. Natakot na ako magkamali ng sinasamahan. Natakot na ako makipag-kaibigan.

Ang tanga ko kasi pumili ng mga kaibigan eh. Ang problema nun, kahit sa iba't-ibang mga tao ako dumikit, ganun parin ang isip nila sakin. Putangina, sikat ako. Pero sa awa ng Diyos, hindi na kasing grabe ng dati. Siguro mga panandaliang pang-gagago lang, walang insulto na hindi ko na narinig dati.

Nung patapos ng Hayskul, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na gusto ko na sila layuan. Lahat sila na mga gago at mga putanginang nanggagago sakin noon. Natupad nga ang sinabi ko. Nalayo ako sa kanila. Nalayo ako sa sibilisasyon. Nalayo ako sa Pamilya. May nag iba ba? Oo. Marami. Hindi na ako ginagago ngayon. Kasi wala, wala na akong kasama. Wala na akong mga kaibigan na lagi kong kasama.

Mukhang nakuha ko na talaga ang gusto ko no?

Hindi pala. Tangina ayoko nang manirahan mag-isa. Ayoko na yung tipong gigising ka ng walang wala kang kinakausap. Ayoko na yung tipong walang pipilit sayo pumasok sa mga klase mo na kukulitin ka para lang magising ka. Ayoko na yung tipong walang sisilip sa kwarto mo tuwing gabi at sasabihin good night. Ayoko na yung tipong walang mangungulit sayo para mag aral dahil may exam ka kinabukasan. Ayoko na, ayoko na, gusto ko na umuwi.

Dong, dong dong.

Gusto ko na maging Dong ulit. Nakaka ulol din pala maging George.

//Truth

For CMSC 22

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 15:26:36 GMT

Name of Project:

Dungeons and Dragons Boardgame -- a modification of Snakes and Ladders.

Project Design:

Used Swing Components as GUI. (JFrame) that implements ActionListener class.
The first JFrame window is for creating a new character. The user shall input the character's name and classification
When the 'start game' button is pressed, it will access another class (Board.class) which also uses a JFrame and ActionListener.

In the Board, There's an Image Icon of the board inside a JLabel. There are skills and their respective power points for the user to know how many skills are left to be used in the duration of the game. These skills are for the battles. The name of these skills are accessed in a class depending on which character classification is chosen.0

The button here accesses another class (still unnamed) for the die.

current screenshots of progress

I'll work on the easy classes tonight, and hope that I can get some sleep and study all day tomorrow for the hell week coming up.

/*George Y. Esguerra
2004-01927
CMSC22 ST-1L*/

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 11:34:57 GMT

Now my head adds to my misery.

I'm still hurting.

and still paralyzed.

Halp!

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 05:39:48 GMT

It hurts.

I can't move.

I can barely walk.

I'm paralyzed.

Help.

Boil sucks.

Ouch.